Christmas Eve

Happy Holidays!  Or so I'm told...  This season I haven't felt the spirit wash over me as in seasons past.  Merry songs have been ignored, holiday tree has been topless, and greed has taken over my gift-receiving.  Why has my Merry been replaced with a Humbug?

This year has been the first in many that my boys have spent it away from me, and with their father.  I know it's nice for them and I do hope they enjoy themselves, blah blah blah... but the fact is, I miss them.  I love them waking up and opening their presents Christmas morning.  Gift after gift.  Nothing terribly big, mind you, just enough to make things fun and to give them some joy and spirit.  This year they opened their gifts before heading to their father's.  They were happy with what they got, but the spirit was certainly missing.  I'm already looking forward to making the 2011 holiday season all it can be, but why have I already given up on this Christmas before it's even begun?

For the majority of my adult life, I've hoped for the "perfect" present, which changes year to year.  Somehow I'm never satisfied unless *that* is the one I see.  Some years ago, my then husband bought me the Bourne trilogy on DVD and I was thrilled, but he had previously bought the Matrix 11-disc set and I felt it a waste of money.  Last year I received a regifted DVD player from my then boyfriend and other nice gifts as well, but the regift is what I focus on (so much that we're still friends and this is a point that has caused much hurt).  This year my boyfriend, Geoff, is being amazing.  He's already bought me new (expensive) wheels for my roller skates for derby and a $40 glass tea kettle I've been eyeballing for a couple years and there's more that I'm not certain of.  I'm honestly thrilled with his generosity and thoughtfulness.  However, I felt disappointed that I didn't receive the nook e-reader I was hoping for.  Why?  When did my gift-receiving become so greed-induced that I cannot be happy with what I'm already amazed by?  I've sucked the spirit right out of the holiday.  And it's time to get it back.

And, of course, family.  We've always gotten along well, until this past year when things with my parents began to take a turn for the worse.  No need for details, but suffice it to say it's been an uphill battle to try to make things right and leave the past where it belongs.  This brings us to these next couple days and the elephant in the room I'll have to ignore.  Now, I'm perfectly aware that I don't have to be there with the tension that may be present, but I want to be there.  Tension be damned!  My family means worlds to me, though I know I don't always show it the best I can.  So I will be there, with bells on!  Because that's what family does.


That said, this morning I got up early, lit the topless tree, sat in my comfy chair, watched Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and painted my toes the cheeriest, Christmasiest red polish I own.  This afternoon's agenda is making Muddy Buddies and watching It's a Wonderful Life with Geoff before heading out to spend time with family.

I will be merry because I am surrounded by love and family, disregarding any friction with those I love.  I will snuggle with the most wonderful man I've had the pleasure of sharing the holidays with.  And I will finally remember what this time of year really is all about.  Giving.  Togetherness.  Family.  Love.