Socks

Yes, I'm blogging about socks.  I love socks.  They're soft and keep my feet warm and toasty in the cold months.  Or they're stretchy and shaped to keep my feet dry and the blood flowing while I'm working out.  They can be tall to my thighs or short just covering my toes.  They come in all sorts of colors, patterns and materials.  Socks have been there with me since I was a kid and I really can't get enough of them (I've been told I own too many...)  For me, a variety of socks holds a key to my identity.  I wear them to work and roller derby practice and anywhere I go.  But, why am I writing about socks? 

There is something special everyone holds dear to themselves.  Something that makes them feel like themselves or reminds them of where they come from or what they believe in.  It may be a necklace, a set of wedding rings, sexy underwear, a tattoo or anything.  One of those things for me is socks (though not the only one...).  It's a little something special that's all mine and that represents who I am.  I especially love when the socks are unexpected.


Recently I obtained a pair of over-the-knee, thick-striped, rainbow-colored socks.  I love them (oh, and I love Sock Dreams).  They are comfortable, warm and make me happy whenever I see them.  I wear them to derby practice, under jeans and under my black slacks at work (my current ensemble).  I love the smile they put on my face when I change from my work boots to my outdoor boots.  Or when I change from my work clothes tonight to my derby practice clothes and the socks stay with me.  It's a feeling of being myself and even having a little secret that only I seemingly know (though I obviously don't mind everyone seeing them).

I wonder why I feel socks were a relevant subject now.  They seem so trivial.  But, honestly, they're not.  They bring my spirits up when I'm least expecting it and I see them peeking out under my pants.  They remind me of who I am, both Cindy and Cynnister, and in some strange way keep my mind there.  Different objects to different people can evoke such feelings.  I'm certain everyone has something they love or they keep with them to bring them to a different place.  One of their childhood, their marriage, their children, their inner strength, their whole selves...  What objects do you have that remind you?  That lift you up?  That bring you back to earth? 

Roller Derby - Fresh Meat

After some time, and I'm not quite certain why, I thought that I'd like to see a bout again.  This time, husband-free (as we had separated nearly a year before), I snagged one of my best friends, Michelle, to go with me.  I loved it as much as the first time and Michelle was interested, too.  I was particularly enraptured by Blaze and how fast and agile she was on the track.  I leaned forward, grinning at it all.  As if it was the first time I've seen it.

Yup, then and there I decided again that I wanted to be on the team.  I emailed the Assault City site to get the information about derby and in August I was at the second fresh meat practice, flanked by Michelle and my longest-loved best friend, LoriLee.  We fell on our asses several times and I ended up spraining my wrist (as we were without gear just then).  Michelle decided it wasn't for her and would rather cheer us on.  Lori and I continued.

Let me backtrack a moment about LoriLee.  We've been friends since high school, though we fell out of touch for some years in between.  She is a tall woman, with a temper and can lay anyone out if they messed with her (or with me) and I love her to pieces.  Anyway, I was terribly excited about joining derby and we went to Black Mamba Skate Park just to roller skate a bit before I started practicing (to see if I really wanted to).  Well, after a couple hours skating wobbly circles, we were both smiling and happy.  Roller skating was fun!  Who knew?  I tried convincing Lori to try out roller derby with me but she was on the fence about it all, so off I went the morning of practice.  Unexpectedly, she showed up to that practice the same day as Michelle and I (but that part is her story...) and she had never even seen a bout.  We went to the home bout the following weekend with my cousin, Jenna, who I also think will make an excellent derby girl (but again, another story for another time).

Again, Lori and I continued with it.  This after a large vet bill nearly made me quit (I didn't have the money for gear) and I had to skip the fourth practice.  I was crying because I wanted to stay but, nonetheless, that morning I emailed Crazy D(iamond), the derby veteran who was heading fresh meat, to let her know I wouldn't be practicing any more.  Later that morning, Lori texted me about what they learned and told me that we were "The Breakfast Club" and her given fresh meat name was Coffee Cake.  Aww, I want a fresh meat name, too!  I emailed Crazy D again to inform her that I was being hasty and wanted to know my fresh meat name - CinnaBun.  Ahh, so perfect.  It's amazing to me that the one thing that kept me going at that time was just knowing I had a fresh meat name.

The next few months we learned to hit, jump, weave, squat, and block on skates.  The night before the skills test in November, I stayed up till 4 am (for no reason I couldn't have done another time) and woke back up at 7am.  Ugh...  I didn't drink any water and wasn't able to rest to help with the fatigue.  Needless to say I was shaky and unfocused.  I fell during almost every tested skill.  I failed miserably (though I passed the written test with flying colors).  The retest was a few weeks from then and I learned to better my form and slow my crossovers.  As such, I passed more skills, added 3 laps to the 25 I needed in 5 minutes and still failed.  

Frustrated, I felt like giving up several times over those months.  But I didn't.  Well, I missed some practices in December (nearly the whole month) and started up again in January.  But I never gave up.  I went to a few practices in January and then carpooled to a speed skating lesson with some of the other derby girls on Saturday morning.  It was a huge help to me.  Further improving my form, keeping my head up ("If you look down, you'll fall down") and nearly keeping pace with some of the vets.  It was a good morning. 

Lastly, I find, and hate admitting, that I'm scared.  Of what?  I don't know...  Scared of hurting myself.  Scared of failing.  Scared of what?  Yesterday's practice was a good one (aside from forgetting my helmet and mouth guard for the first time ever).  I didn't fall once.  I kept my head up and looking where I was going.  At some point while skating 9 laps (then 8, then 7...) I was looking up and watching the skaters in front of me and kept pace with them.  I felt like I was on a train, moving with everyone else, and my feet were pushing me along for the ride.  It was an amazing feeling and I felt faster than I had ever before.

That said, I have some skills I need to practice on my own time (like hitting and falling) and I need to improve my speed (and ensure I can complete the 25 laps in 5 minutes), but I have confidence the next skills test I will be prepared for.  Then I will no longer be CinnaBun, I will be Cynnister.

Roller Derby - In the Beginning...

Derby has been such a big part of my life and my development in the last half year that it needs to be spoken of!  Well, I suppose the beginning makes the most sense...

One afternoon I was at Brooklyn Pickle on West Genesee Street with my (now ex-) husband, Walt.  It was a sunny day in spring or summer, if I recall, and we were walking through the parking lot after eating lunch when I see a car with stickers on it's back and a sign advertising a bout the following weekend.  Bouting for Boobies was the match to benefit breast cancer research, which I admired.  

I was excited.  Syracuse has a roller derby team?!  Hell yeah I wanted to see it.  I was very curious how it all worked and what exactly we would be watching.  I purchased the tickets online and away we went to the bout!  Which I was amazed to find was so close by at the Baldwinsville Ice Rink.

Well, we went in and found seats.  People of all sorts passing us and taking theirs as well.  I loved the variety of the fans alone.  There was a live band playing, who were pretty good.  I was honestly fascinated by the everything.  

The basic rules were explained before anything further happened.  I drank it in.  Okay, so were watching the one with the star on her helmet.  Okay...  Wait, wait.  It's a different person now...  And so on and so on.  I turned to Walt and said "I have to do this.  I can do this!"  He smiled and basically gave me a sure-you-can response.  But really, I didn't care.  I was enraptured.  I was tossed  a free tshirt of their logo and an advertisement on the back and put it on over my clothes right away.  I loved it, all of it.

Then life happened.  Children, marriage, separation, upheaval, relocations, etc, etc, etc...  Issues upon issues.  I didn't get to see another bout until about 6-8 months ago.  I didn't even think about roller derby with all that was going on...  (to be continued)

My Alter Ego

I came across an article on Nerd Fitness some time back about becoming a superhero.  It was very interesting and stuck in my brain for the last month.  Who would I be?  What would I call myself?  Why am I even asking such questions?  I should be fine to go to the gym and be that rollergirl without creating an alter ego, shouldn't I?  So many questions, and I just couldn't get it out of my brain.


Why not?  Because the truth is, as I believe it is for most of us, it's awesome having an alter ego.  Even if that one isn't a superhero, per se.  It's nice to have your day-to-day self and your at home self, even.  It feels good and it's fun!  Thus Cynnister was born.  I've had this name for a few years now, but it was all just silly things linked to it like email addresses.  Never was this a serious name I planned to use and attach to myself.  Never was this meant to be another persona.  Until now.  After reading the superhero article, I immediately changed my planned derby name from Holly Handgrenade (based on Monty Python and really an excellent name) to Cynnister.  It fits perfectly with me.  Now to answer NF:

What do I want to accomplish? 

I have visions of myself that I have not lived up to, being honest with myself.  I have an ideal about who I am and what I do that doesn't compare to reality.  The bar I set for myself is high and it will take time and patience to reach it.  And, with hopes, I'll exceed it.  I see myself as an excellent mother, a loving girlfriend, a marathon runner, a derby girl, a listening friend, a helpful daughter, a hard worker and sexy, strong woman.

What is my persona? 

Cynnister, but of course.  I'm a antiheroine who wears black and pink* and is identified by a bird's skull.  And, of course, I play roller derby.  (*Pink isn't for certain, I'm still mulling that over...)

What is my theme song? 

Okay, the theme song is a daunting task for me.  I'm certain it's hard rock, that gets me in the right frame of mind while I'm working out.  Angry and evil and rockin'.  Godsmack is coming to mind, but I'll have to try a few out before I'm certain.  ~ I'm leaning toward White Zombie's "Thunder Kiss '65" which may also lend itself to a derby number to go with that name... Hmm... 

What do I stand for? 

I care about the environment, animals and people.  I will complete walks and races to raise money for causes I feel particularly strong about and will volunteer wherever I'm able to help.  Alright, this seems a bit too nice for a antiheroine, but even Dr. Horrible volunteered at a soup kitchen (let's forget it was to spy on Captain Hammer... he still volunteered, right?). 

What do humanitarians eat?

You put a baby in a crib with an apple and a rabbit.  

If it eats the rabbit and plays with the apple, I'll buy you a new car.  

~Harvey Diamond~

Once I made the decision to become vegetarian, and ultimately vegan within the month, I felt a huge weight lift off myself.  As if the burden of being a meat-eater was crushing me.  I have chosen vegetarianism and veganism several times in my past, always reverting to meat because all of my acquaintances do, therefore I should as well.  Or so I lead myself to believe.  I would cite the flavor of meat, cheese and honey and the ease of obtaining those food items as misguided "reasons" to continue.  Never did I realize how much I was a follower until the last couple weeks.  

It felt like a hefty weight to be the only vegetarian I knew and thus to stick to it was constantly trying.  My friends and family, though love me and meant in jest, would poke fun or make comments about my being vegetarian/vegan.  My children would complain because they wanted meat and, though I do not "deprive" them of flesh when we were out as I afford them that choice, when we're home I purchase the food and my money will not be spent on dead animals to nosh on.  It all got to be too much for me to handle with other pressures life was throwing at me.  And off the veggie wagon I fell; over and over.  

Finally, last week, I mentally chained myself to vegetarianism to crawl my way up to veganism.  That's it.  Like Anthony Robbins said, "A real decision is measured by the fact that you've taken new action. If there's no action, you haven't truly decided."  Perfectly said.  I decided.  I acted.  Now to continue on that path.  Today's decision to stop eating meat will not be it for the rest of my life; I need to continue to make that decision every day.  Just like I need to continue to make the decision to go to work, make dinner, drive a car, etc.  It's a normal decision that I will eventually make subconsciously, but for the moment I have to think about it.  Decide and act.  Repeat.

Today I had to purchase my food in the cafeteria at work.  Not many options for vegans, but at least there are a few.  Salad, no dressing (many Italian dressings have cheese in them and most others I like are creamy) or a vegan burger.  I chose the vegan burger.  Quite yummy and what my belly was craving.  Though, to be certain, I will request to find out the ingredients of the vegan burger they serve to know what I am putting in my body.

This decision has finally freed my mind to continue helping animals in many different ways.  Foremost, I plan to visit Farm Sanctuary with Geoff and the boys at least twice this year (once for Thanksgiving) and hopefully I will have the opportunity to volunteer there as well.  It's a wonderful and happy place, if you're unfamiliar with it.  And, because I believe in their cause so much, I also plan to request that all gifts for my birthday and Christmas will be in the form of donations to FS (along with maybe one or two other organizations I need to look into first before stating them).  Thus, not only am I helping the animals by choosing not to eat them, I'm also helping them by asking others to help as well.  

My evolution begins...  The pains I've caused from many yesterdays will finally be replaced by innumerable days of peace.

Awakening the Cynnister Within

I just finished listening to Anthony Robbins' "Awaken the Giant Within" audiobook.  Basically it's a lot of information that I already knew about goal-setting, but it threw at me new ways of changing the way I make decisions.  He states, "If you don't set a baseline standard for what you'll accept in life, you'll find it's easy to slip into behaviors and attitudes or a quality of life that's far below what you deserve.”  Now is the perfect time in my life for this.  A revamp of myself starting last summer with a plethora of changes and realizations about my beliefs and life.  Well, it's time I set those standards for my life as an unchangeable decision.  To set the bar for myself higher than I have before.  

The interesting thing about it all is that I always had high standards... for everyone else.  I would hold everyone to a standard that I believed I was at and exceeding, but in reality I never was.  For example, in my mind I'm slim and athletic.  So, when I find I can barely bench press the bar alone or when I slide on my size 18 pants in the morning, it comes as a shock to me.  Nearly every time.  However, this shock has never been enough to jolt me into the reality that I need to change something.  I need to see weight loss as something wonderful that I'm willing to work hard for.

You see, diet and exercise have always been negative, dirty words to me.  I've tried before thinking, "Diet doesn't mean deprivation," but inside I felt differently.  I believed that without consuming pizza and soda, for example, I was missing out on "real" food.  I was missing out on the "comfort" of pizza and that soda brought and that I couldn't find it through any good-for-me foods.  Who was I fooling?!  Hell, the real reason I never believed that I could live without certain things is because I programmed my brain to think that way.  I never truly believed that diet and exercise were good things, they were chores because I should do them not because I wanted to.

Back to the audiobook, AR (as I will refer to Mr. Robbins) was speaking that, on a very basic level, every decision we make is based on pain or pleasure.  We try to move away from pain or toward pleasure.  In my example, exercise = pain.  I would try not to exercise because it was difficult and time-consuming and the immediate benefits seems minute; so I found I only exercised out of obligation not desire.  AR says we need to reprogram our brains into thinking that what we want will cause us pleasure and is amazing!  

This morning I woke up and dragged my butt around preparing for the gym, which I wasn't looking forward to.  I realized this and stopped myself.  No!  I want to exercise.  I enjoy exercising!  Honestly, I instantly felt better!  I went to the gym and ran over half a mile (where I was under half a mile previously) and, though I had to push myself, I was in good spirits.  I quite shocked it worked so quickly and that I found this power that I wasn't aware of inside me.  It was amazing.

“The secret of success is learning how to use pain and pleasure instead of having pain and pleasure use you. If you do that, you're in control of your life. If you don't, life controls you.” - AR.  So, I am learning and doing.  I am reprogamming my brain to what I know I want to equate with pleasure.  Exercise.  Veganism.  Roller Derby.  Running.  Things that I shied away from because they were too difficult or consumed too much of my time and energy... in my mind. 

So, even though you speak like an infomercial host and maybe because you could crush me with one fist, thank you Anthony Robbins.  You've helped set in motion what I was in search of for so long!

Where to Begin...

Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it.  

The time will pass anyway;  we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use.  

~Earl Nightingale

My New Year's Evolutions feel complicated. I know they're not as complicated as I believe them to be.  They're simple... It's putting them in motion that's difficult.

1. Become Vegetarian

I have been on again off again with this subject my whole life.  The driving force has been a love of animals.  How can I kill and eat what I love?  The simple answer is, I can't and I don't.  I have someone else kill them, package them and I cook and consume them.  And it's tasty.  There's no denying that.  However, whenever I watch a documentary about food or read a book about the meat industry, I cannot help but feel for the animals.  I'm empathetic about very few things in life.  Weepy dramas rarely make me well up.  Funerals make me somber, but no tears.  Animal cruelty toward pets or those raised for meat makes me cry and gets me angry and nauseous.  I began watching the film "Earthlings" the other day and for the first time, I had to stop the movie midway to get my bearings.  I tried again today with my boyfriend and another friend.  We watched more than I did the first time and then dinner had to be made.  A dinner of tofu and mushroom lasagna.  Delicious!

Animal cruelty is very much a moral issue for me and these are feelings I can no longer ignore.  Why I ever ignored them in the first place is beyond me.  After watching part of the movie, Geoff decided he was going vegetarian as well.  After seeing what is really being done, how can anyone turn a blind eye?  And so, all meat left our fridge and freezer and was given to a friend (we're not wasteful!)

PS. I'm keeping that DVD as one of the few I'm not selling off.  I need to keep reminding myself why I chose this and, unless it's in front of me, I forget.  I should never forget.

2. Lose Weight

I have been struggling with my weight since I was a teenager.  I say "struggling" in the sense that it's annoying to me, not that I've been successful then unsuccessful at losing weight.  Although, once I was able to drop nearly 50 lbs due to stress and lack of money... but it all came back again.  That was once and it wasn't the best way to lose the weight.  The once.  In 15 years.  Enough is enough with this.  

I know the inner Cynnister (my alter ego) is a fit and active woman who is being stifled by external stresses and conveniences.  The conveniences are a huge issue for me.  We all sit on our butts for hours each day, whether for work or time with the family or more.  For me, it cannot be that way anymore.  Daily I am choosing options that continue this trend.  I choose a quick pizza, easy soda and time in front of the internet over a healthy meal, water and reading... For example.

I don't plan to set a number of pounds on the scale as a goal, I want to set the number in my jeans.  I aim to be a size 12 before December 2011 is up.  That's about 6 sizes smaller.  It's no simple feat...

How will I make it?  I have to be rigid about what goes into my body on a daily basis.  Less processed foods, more water and no meat.  It's a simple formula people have been using for centuries... Why have I never heard of this?  Also, I already work out a couple times a week at the gym, I plan to up that to four mornings a week (Tue-Fri) and roller derby practice at night (Sun/Tue/Thu).  I also plan to train for the Warrior Dash coming to Upstate New York in August.  It's an awesome three mile run through woods, over walls, through tunnels and ultimately ending in the mud.  I'm very excited to do this.  Then again, I've never successfully run a race, so I may also sign up for a couple 5Ks beforehand to be prepared for this one!

I have more and more plans to help the size loss along as well.  More sleep.  Crunches at home.  Fewer eating out.  Choosing water more often and never soda (it's death in a bottle, I know...).  Pass the derby skills test.  Become faster and stronger than I ever expected possible.

3. Become a Better Mother

I'm not a terrible mother, mind you, I'm quite a good one, really.  However, I know there are improvements I need to make to ensure the boys are growing up to be the best they can be.  This is more indefinite ideas that are planned, but those that seem to have a shape are family game nights, time at the library and quiet time daily (reading, homework, etc) which would be nice for everyone.

4. Volunteer and Donate

A few ideas have drifted hither and thither in my brain about this one.  I believe I will be signing up to volunteer at the SPCA.  I attempted this last year, but time constraints as they were prevented me.  I believe I will be better suited this year to volunteer there.  I may also look into volunteering at a soup kitchen or some such place.  There are truly needy people in Syracuse and I would like to help the best I am able.  And, more than likely, I'd very much like to volunteer at Farm Sanctuary in Watkins Glen, NY to help those animals abandoned or left for dead due to factory farming.  It's a beautiful place, if you ever get to visit.  And there are only two in the country.  We're blessed with having one so close.

Donating money, not just time as was mentioned.  I am only asking for donations to Farm Sanctuary this year for my birthday and Christmas, if I get any presents at all.  I have want for nothing that I cannot save up for myself.  Many of the things I own are unnecessary and the consumerism surrounding holidays and birthdays is something I do not want to be part of.  I plan to make all of the gifts I am giving this year.

5. Revive My Artistic Nature

I used to be so wonderfully creative.  And somehow I lost it.  It slipped through my fingers some years back and no matter how many times I try, it eludes me.  I plan to try my hand at calligraphy, wood carving and crochet this year.  I am also working on an idea for a webcomic with Geoff that I will be the drawing hand for.  Much to look forward to with this and a well-needed kick in the booty for my artistic side!

How will I accomplish all this?  I will choose to work on everything everyday, but focus on one thing specifically.  That is, I may choose water and eat healthier, but I will focus that day on improving my artistic nature and sketch something out for 30 minutes.  Just focusing on one thing to do each day will help me stay on task and will keep me evolving every day.

New Year's Evolutions

In rushes 2011 with confetti, kisses and Auld Lang Syne.  Thoughts of what to aspire to in the coming year.  Shall you lose weight?  Quit smoking?  Write that novel?  Be more optimistic? 

A resolution is a course of action decided on.  You generally choose an issue you would like to correct and choose a viable solution.  I'm overweight; I resolve to lose 30 pounds.  I smoke; I resolve to quit.  However, we tend to find a quick fix for these issues.  I resolve to lose 30 pounds; I will sign up for a gym membership.  I resolve to quit smoking; this is my last cigarette.  Seemingly inevitable is the let down that has ended so many of our good intentions.  It's not that we plan to give up; the honest truth is that we are usually ill-prepared to resolve to do anything exactly at the end of one year and the beginning of another.

I propose we begin New Year's Evolutions.  Evolution is a gradual process in which you change into a different and usually more complex or better form of yourself.

These New Year's Evolutions should be something you're willing to continually work on.  If you are overweight and would like to be healthier, joining a gym is one option.  You could also cut your calorie intake, walk more, get away from your desk at work and other similar ideas.  If you want to evolve by quitting smoking, cold turkey is one option.  You could try a patch or electric cigarette as options to wean you off the nicotine until your last cigarette really is your last.

Whatever your Evolutions are, gradual and consistent work is key.  You are working toward becoming a more complex and better you.  Take the time to make decisions about what you really want in the next 365 days.  Do just a little research online and you'll have an idea of how to begin your evolution.  Set one small thing in motion and gradually add on to that theme as the year progresses.  You will find you can astound yourself by what you are truly capable of.

How will you choose to evolve in 2011?